Starting from Scratch

I'm writing this to put to bed a lot of things that have transpired over the course of a twenty-two year existence. Friendships, mistakes, romances, regrets. All of it in a nutshell once and for all.

For the better part of the last six years, I've gone out of my way to avoid examining what makes me tick. Seems its been a lot easier than you would imagine to ignore and repress than to explore the reality within. Rather than delve into any outstanding fears, I've preferred the chemical recourse for what seems like an eternity. Instead of dealing with major life issues as they arrive, I've medicated with toxic relationships. All told, I've been doing a fabulous job of living someone else's life.

But I know myself- sort of. I know that I engage in these acts of avoidance not because I fear the outcome. I already know what the results will be/are. No, I keep pushing things into the distance because I've found solace in the distance. Its safe and casual on an island. I'd prefer to keep everything at bay rather than experience anything tangible. There's nothing sexy about what you already have. Life seems more mysterious, and ultimately malleable, when its far off the coast.

So what am I getting at? The masterful web of entangled emotions that punctuate my present dismay. I have been unfortunate to let too many bad friendships fester for too long. I've had my fair share of regrettable trysts. I've been a bad boy several times over. But I've realized, over the course of introspection, that I've been lacking the requisite 'clean-break' that's needed to move forward. Even though I've stopped calling people, stopped returning emails, and avoided any/all social situations, I'm still in limbo. So this is my axe to the arm, per-say.

To everyone that I do not speak to from this day forward, goodbye and good luck. I'm more than willing to marvel at your abilities from afar. But I cannot, and will not, continue doing this dance with any of you. In no way am I going about this in a politically correct fashion. But I don't have the patience to craft multiple emails. So read this, for what its worth- and realize that I just cannot afford to have any of you or your circumstances plaguing my life any further. I've been tortured by memories from my past for too long. Specific relationships have kept me from growing-up, consistently reducing me to the shadow I used to inhabit. I'm done.

So this is my oath, to forge a new path, without the burden of instability or the bitter resentment of jealous 'friends' holding me down. A new approach to life- to live in bliss without remorse. Calling it a rebirth is too dramatic. I'll stick with the moving forward angle. Except I've no intention of checking the rear-view mirror. Adios to a lot of you. See you when I see you.

D