Music: Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely - Kid A
Mood: Uncertainly certain
I haven't been a good boy this year. I promised myself in January that I would write on this blog every week. But I haven't done that, at all. All told, it looks like there have been somewhere around 18 to 20 posts for the year. FOR THE FUCKING YEAR.
Shameless.
But, I'm here now so I may as well make the most of my cameo...
Things are peachy at the moment. I'm home today because I have a few vacation days left for the year, and I just felt like I needed to take a Thursday and mellow out with my new puppy, Hugo. We've literally committed ourselves to doing absolutely nothing and its been quite relaxing.
Since my return from India, I've been feeling all sorts of crazy/curious about different things in and around my life, so I thought that it might be a good idea to try and capture the major events of 2007 in print so I could step back and examine each one for individual merits/flaws.
January - Came back from Europe, pretty much bottomed-out from a social standpoint. Regressed deeper into myself for the first time in two years. Didn't feel the need to do anything short of going to and coming home from work.
February - With the album mixed, mastered, and in my possession, I decide to embark upon a 'silent' marketing campaign by reaching out to the few people that I've had the pleasure of meeting in the music industry. Didn't want to make a big production out of it or get my hopes up, but it was passed along to someone in the hierarchy of EMI. Turns out, they were not interested in our sound. Crushed me. Absolutely devastating to hear. Didn't pick up a guitar for three weeks. My brother starts to wonder whether or not I'm depressed. I lie and tell him that I'm experiencing writer's block. He sees right through that shit. Rumblings at work indicate a position I want is becoming available in the coming weeks. Without too much thought I throw my name into the hat and pray for the best.
March - Coming back from lunch, I get accosted in the parking lot by an Indian fortune-teller. He scares the life out of me. Tells me all sorts of craziness is coming my way, that 2007 is a bad year for me, and that I will be wrecked with misery and misfortune until the 'tide' changes. Before losing my shit I shake his hand and get into my car. While backing out of my spot, he runs up on me, knocks on my window, which I open, throws a small gem into my car and disappears into the distance. I call my mom because she's my voice of reason; she finds a way to extrapolate the good from my paranoia and fear. I love her for that. My brother and I go to Las Vegas for a weekend to relax. My cell phone breaks an hour before we leave LA. It's the best weekend of my life. We never leave the house, record songs, eat junk food, and sleep all day.
April - That job I was vying for becomes mine. I instantly find myself overwhelmed with the added responsibilities. But, I make it a vow to work as hard as I can to establish myself. Good plan. My boss notices the hours I'm putting in and starts rewarding me with perks and other benefits. Then, out of nowhere, she comes into my life. And the music stops, everything slows to a pulse, and I can only see her and how good it feels to have her with me. We take it slow, but once I set my mind to something, I always get it. This is no different. I spend several weeks with her as her 'friend' but invariably she's mine. And it just clicks right away. Another Vegas trip, this time with Ale. Amazing goodness all around.
May - More work developments. I take on projects left and right, doubling my already insurmountable work-load, but its exhilarating. Old friends start popping back up in my life, people I swore I would never speak to again. But this time it feels right, so I go with it. One night at dinner, I boldly declare to my parents that I want to go to India this year for my annual pilgrimage. They stare at me as if I'm on crack, but somewhere between the four beers I've just consumed, it feels "right" (there's that phrase again). My dad starts making the arrangements, and before I know it, everything is set in stone. My designated chaperon turns out to be my cousin Raman. Since I only know him from a superficial distance, I feel like this could be a great opportunity to really connect and get to know more about him as a person. And of course, she's in my life, but starting to take up more and more of my time. Still, I don't mind the distraction.
June - I start writing songs again with purpose. Tracks come from all angles, everything from everywhere all at once. Its a cluster fuck of creativity all over again. Reminds me of the first time, first album. The cohesiveness is still there, and we start getting our noses to the grindstone. Everything is flowing perfectly. Then, we have our first fight. She claims I don't open up to her about what's on my mind. I feel like she spends all her time wallowing in her insecurities. Battle-lines are drawn. We don't solve anything, we just fuck. It works.
July - Fourth of July in the valley. Fireworks, drinks, and general laziness abound. Parties all over the place, and I'm busy trying to be everything to everyone. Work is slowing down and I'm starting to feel the itch to take a break from it all. A friend from Babson is in Switzerland working in financial services, his own company. Its mutual sort of, but I instigate conversation. Ideas are floating all around, and suddenly I feel the need to get away from everything and everyone. Switzerland on my mind, all the time. Things between us are getting way worse. All the time.
August - The straw snaps. Her best friend comes to town, and I no longer exist. Worse, her best friend is one of those people you can't help but like. She's charming, down-to-earth, and more of what you want your GF to be. It takes everything for me not to want to walk away. But I don't I stay, I try and instigate conversation, I get rebuffed. She no longer wants to do anything with me. I take the hint and back off. She asks for more space and I give it to her. Then, while trying to give her the requisite space, she breaks up with me. Perfect. Not expecting that, even though the writing was on the wall. I try and convince myself that the split is mutual, but a part of me just won't allow it. I feel vindicated and yet totally naked. I regress into my circle of friends and shut everyone else out. My family starts to get worried. I pull myself together right quick and get down to the business of re prioritizing my shit.
September - Work stress is at an all-time high. Then, a miracle falls into my lap from a career standpoint, and I jump on it. Chance to move up the ladder, be a part of the change, on the ground floor of the next wave of management within the firm. How can I say no? I go for it with gusto. Just as I start getting myself into a right frame of mind, she goes and puts me on blast with my friends. Gets drunk, starts spewing vile and horrible things. Dirty laundry to the 10th degree. Its horrible, embarrassing, and enough for me to want to run and hide my head in the sand. But instead, I get her face to face and do whats been coming for a while. Shut it down on my terms. No amount of crocodile tears or last minute pleas will suffice. I end what's been nothing short of a messy divorce with one final sentence, "it's over, please don't call me ever again". And with that, we move to October.
October - Already shaking from the insanity and ready to break down, I get a quick reprieve in Las Vegas with Ale and Angelo. Turns out to be the perfect remedy. Nothing quite like a guys weekend to get over a bad break-up. Visuals will be left to the imagination. All three of us are on level pegging from a career standpoint. We share stories, make new ones, relive and recreate memories, talk about our futures, and make a vow that we will stand together on the shoulders of giants in the years to come. I have to pinch myself every hour to make sure this is real. I found them. In plain fucking sight, the two people that I admire most are the two guys that were there for me every single day of our collegiate careers. Its the kind of revelation that I've been missing. My external support device rests in their hands. I derive strength from their passion, we talk of the things we want to change, and how we can do it together. In the end, we make the one great promise. We can do it and we will. Home for three days, then I re-pack, and jet off to India. Holy smokes, what a journey. LA to Minnesota, Minny to Amsterdam, Amsterdiz to Bombay. Raman picks me up in Mumbaaaaaai and we take the three hour Qualis ride to Pune. Its hot and sticky in the city by the sea, so I'm glad we have air conditioning. We talk on the surface for a few hours, this and that, not really wanting to cross the invisible boundaries we clearly both have. Something inside me figures this will be a theme for the next two weeks. But I don't mind; I'm just glad that nobody has my cell phone number, and that I can't be reached unless I want to be. its fucking paradise and I'm just getting started. All of my family is there in full force. Its nice to catch up. Biji is there in her grace, doting on me and still unsure why I'm there. Everyone is convinced that I'm crazy for coming to India, but happy that I'm there. I'm completely clueless to whats happening around me. I get ferried from place to place, pictures are taken, cyber cafe's, really fantastic food, all that was expected. Then the good stuff. Birthday happens, get drunk, make calls to the states, a few people actually recognize me over the static and drunken stammer. I make peace with myself and dial the number. Mistake. I hang up. I'm such a loser but who's not made the same mistake at least once. No matter. Next day, walk through the mountains with Raman. Hike seven miles up to a vantage point just above the city. You can see everything in its right place. Its stunning. Off to Goa, beach resort. Paradise in the green visuals. Run into random second-cousin-guy and his son. It all seems like it was staged, but its not. Kumarakom happens, and something inside me starts to change. I start questioning everything as it its a facade; Raman gets it and begins showing me more of what I need to know. We delve deeper into conversation, religion, spirituality, morality, ethics, codes of conduct, culture, art, history....everything you can touch we went into. Eventually I stumble into Buddhism and his eyes shine with the confidence of a man that's been down that road and ready to share with someone getting started. He does, and I take it all in. In the moment, I make my declarations to myself, my ideals are gone, my reality is different, and it all makes sense again. We go to Bombay, waste two days, buy some art, and split in different directions. I'm forever indebted to him for showing me the path, now I just have to walk it.
November - Two days at home and then off to Miami for the Global Bank Symposium. Meet a lot of fancy people with better business cards than me. Val is there, so it makes the time easier to absorb. We learn a lot about who we are and what's expected of us. I take it in stride. Its harder to fool me now. Raman made me recognize that, and now I take everything with a large dose of salt. I think its for the best. I try and keep an innocence about my face, but its hard to pretend when everything and everyone is auditioning for a starring role on One Life to Live. These guys are pros. I'm just a rookie. So I eventually step away from it, but have the chance to learn from it. Run into Cassis while I'm there. He's doing well, or so it seems. Exactly the same as before. There's talk of cim but I decline. Can't make the same mistakes twice. I get back to LA, and immediately fall into work. My head is buried in the sand when I pull it out long enough to connect with Marco, who just moved to LA. He too is a part of my new found inner circle. Like the rest, Marco has a magnetism that is intoxicatingly refreshing. Its exciting to watch him establish and develop his practice on a daily basis. He gives me the confidence to trust my confidence. We go out on weekends and live it up as we always said we would. Eventually I decide I need to take the wheels of the wagon and chill. I do, and then Hugo comes into our lives. The little engine that could, would, should. He's defiant and adorable. More people from my past pop up. Adam, Scott, Derek. And it makes no sense why now. But I roll with it, because I prefer to live in the now and make my decisions in the moment than in advance. Helps with the whole sanity process. The biggest promotion I could possibly get falls into my lap just when I start going bananas, and I feel dandy. I rededicate myself to the music, and start writing again. In large chunks, there are small morsels of brilliance. All told, it feels right so we go with the new direction. Preconceptions are out the door, and I'm fine with being a part of the background. I stop caring about being accepted in every avenue and start living like I've always wanted. A few of the ones I love wonder aloud what's wrong with Devin, but it's not something I lose sleep over. I like the silence, the calm that resonates. Before I can progress though, I wake up on a day off and decide I should check my blog, see when the last time I actually wrote anything was. It shocks me to the core that I'm such a lazy bastard, so I decide to write a list of all the....
Mood: Uncertainly certain
I haven't been a good boy this year. I promised myself in January that I would write on this blog every week. But I haven't done that, at all. All told, it looks like there have been somewhere around 18 to 20 posts for the year. FOR THE FUCKING YEAR.
Shameless.
But, I'm here now so I may as well make the most of my cameo...
Things are peachy at the moment. I'm home today because I have a few vacation days left for the year, and I just felt like I needed to take a Thursday and mellow out with my new puppy, Hugo. We've literally committed ourselves to doing absolutely nothing and its been quite relaxing.
Since my return from India, I've been feeling all sorts of crazy/curious about different things in and around my life, so I thought that it might be a good idea to try and capture the major events of 2007 in print so I could step back and examine each one for individual merits/flaws.
January - Came back from Europe, pretty much bottomed-out from a social standpoint. Regressed deeper into myself for the first time in two years. Didn't feel the need to do anything short of going to and coming home from work.
February - With the album mixed, mastered, and in my possession, I decide to embark upon a 'silent' marketing campaign by reaching out to the few people that I've had the pleasure of meeting in the music industry. Didn't want to make a big production out of it or get my hopes up, but it was passed along to someone in the hierarchy of EMI. Turns out, they were not interested in our sound. Crushed me. Absolutely devastating to hear. Didn't pick up a guitar for three weeks. My brother starts to wonder whether or not I'm depressed. I lie and tell him that I'm experiencing writer's block. He sees right through that shit. Rumblings at work indicate a position I want is becoming available in the coming weeks. Without too much thought I throw my name into the hat and pray for the best.
March - Coming back from lunch, I get accosted in the parking lot by an Indian fortune-teller. He scares the life out of me. Tells me all sorts of craziness is coming my way, that 2007 is a bad year for me, and that I will be wrecked with misery and misfortune until the 'tide' changes. Before losing my shit I shake his hand and get into my car. While backing out of my spot, he runs up on me, knocks on my window, which I open, throws a small gem into my car and disappears into the distance. I call my mom because she's my voice of reason; she finds a way to extrapolate the good from my paranoia and fear. I love her for that. My brother and I go to Las Vegas for a weekend to relax. My cell phone breaks an hour before we leave LA. It's the best weekend of my life. We never leave the house, record songs, eat junk food, and sleep all day.
April - That job I was vying for becomes mine. I instantly find myself overwhelmed with the added responsibilities. But, I make it a vow to work as hard as I can to establish myself. Good plan. My boss notices the hours I'm putting in and starts rewarding me with perks and other benefits. Then, out of nowhere, she comes into my life. And the music stops, everything slows to a pulse, and I can only see her and how good it feels to have her with me. We take it slow, but once I set my mind to something, I always get it. This is no different. I spend several weeks with her as her 'friend' but invariably she's mine. And it just clicks right away. Another Vegas trip, this time with Ale. Amazing goodness all around.
May - More work developments. I take on projects left and right, doubling my already insurmountable work-load, but its exhilarating. Old friends start popping back up in my life, people I swore I would never speak to again. But this time it feels right, so I go with it. One night at dinner, I boldly declare to my parents that I want to go to India this year for my annual pilgrimage. They stare at me as if I'm on crack, but somewhere between the four beers I've just consumed, it feels "right" (there's that phrase again). My dad starts making the arrangements, and before I know it, everything is set in stone. My designated chaperon turns out to be my cousin Raman. Since I only know him from a superficial distance, I feel like this could be a great opportunity to really connect and get to know more about him as a person. And of course, she's in my life, but starting to take up more and more of my time. Still, I don't mind the distraction.
June - I start writing songs again with purpose. Tracks come from all angles, everything from everywhere all at once. Its a cluster fuck of creativity all over again. Reminds me of the first time, first album. The cohesiveness is still there, and we start getting our noses to the grindstone. Everything is flowing perfectly. Then, we have our first fight. She claims I don't open up to her about what's on my mind. I feel like she spends all her time wallowing in her insecurities. Battle-lines are drawn. We don't solve anything, we just fuck. It works.
July - Fourth of July in the valley. Fireworks, drinks, and general laziness abound. Parties all over the place, and I'm busy trying to be everything to everyone. Work is slowing down and I'm starting to feel the itch to take a break from it all. A friend from Babson is in Switzerland working in financial services, his own company. Its mutual sort of, but I instigate conversation. Ideas are floating all around, and suddenly I feel the need to get away from everything and everyone. Switzerland on my mind, all the time. Things between us are getting way worse. All the time.
August - The straw snaps. Her best friend comes to town, and I no longer exist. Worse, her best friend is one of those people you can't help but like. She's charming, down-to-earth, and more of what you want your GF to be. It takes everything for me not to want to walk away. But I don't I stay, I try and instigate conversation, I get rebuffed. She no longer wants to do anything with me. I take the hint and back off. She asks for more space and I give it to her. Then, while trying to give her the requisite space, she breaks up with me. Perfect. Not expecting that, even though the writing was on the wall. I try and convince myself that the split is mutual, but a part of me just won't allow it. I feel vindicated and yet totally naked. I regress into my circle of friends and shut everyone else out. My family starts to get worried. I pull myself together right quick and get down to the business of re prioritizing my shit.
September - Work stress is at an all-time high. Then, a miracle falls into my lap from a career standpoint, and I jump on it. Chance to move up the ladder, be a part of the change, on the ground floor of the next wave of management within the firm. How can I say no? I go for it with gusto. Just as I start getting myself into a right frame of mind, she goes and puts me on blast with my friends. Gets drunk, starts spewing vile and horrible things. Dirty laundry to the 10th degree. Its horrible, embarrassing, and enough for me to want to run and hide my head in the sand. But instead, I get her face to face and do whats been coming for a while. Shut it down on my terms. No amount of crocodile tears or last minute pleas will suffice. I end what's been nothing short of a messy divorce with one final sentence, "it's over, please don't call me ever again". And with that, we move to October.
October - Already shaking from the insanity and ready to break down, I get a quick reprieve in Las Vegas with Ale and Angelo. Turns out to be the perfect remedy. Nothing quite like a guys weekend to get over a bad break-up. Visuals will be left to the imagination. All three of us are on level pegging from a career standpoint. We share stories, make new ones, relive and recreate memories, talk about our futures, and make a vow that we will stand together on the shoulders of giants in the years to come. I have to pinch myself every hour to make sure this is real. I found them. In plain fucking sight, the two people that I admire most are the two guys that were there for me every single day of our collegiate careers. Its the kind of revelation that I've been missing. My external support device rests in their hands. I derive strength from their passion, we talk of the things we want to change, and how we can do it together. In the end, we make the one great promise. We can do it and we will. Home for three days, then I re-pack, and jet off to India. Holy smokes, what a journey. LA to Minnesota, Minny to Amsterdam, Amsterdiz to Bombay. Raman picks me up in Mumbaaaaaai and we take the three hour Qualis ride to Pune. Its hot and sticky in the city by the sea, so I'm glad we have air conditioning. We talk on the surface for a few hours, this and that, not really wanting to cross the invisible boundaries we clearly both have. Something inside me figures this will be a theme for the next two weeks. But I don't mind; I'm just glad that nobody has my cell phone number, and that I can't be reached unless I want to be. its fucking paradise and I'm just getting started. All of my family is there in full force. Its nice to catch up. Biji is there in her grace, doting on me and still unsure why I'm there. Everyone is convinced that I'm crazy for coming to India, but happy that I'm there. I'm completely clueless to whats happening around me. I get ferried from place to place, pictures are taken, cyber cafe's, really fantastic food, all that was expected. Then the good stuff. Birthday happens, get drunk, make calls to the states, a few people actually recognize me over the static and drunken stammer. I make peace with myself and dial the number. Mistake. I hang up. I'm such a loser but who's not made the same mistake at least once. No matter. Next day, walk through the mountains with Raman. Hike seven miles up to a vantage point just above the city. You can see everything in its right place. Its stunning. Off to Goa, beach resort. Paradise in the green visuals. Run into random second-cousin-guy and his son. It all seems like it was staged, but its not. Kumarakom happens, and something inside me starts to change. I start questioning everything as it its a facade; Raman gets it and begins showing me more of what I need to know. We delve deeper into conversation, religion, spirituality, morality, ethics, codes of conduct, culture, art, history....everything you can touch we went into. Eventually I stumble into Buddhism and his eyes shine with the confidence of a man that's been down that road and ready to share with someone getting started. He does, and I take it all in. In the moment, I make my declarations to myself, my ideals are gone, my reality is different, and it all makes sense again. We go to Bombay, waste two days, buy some art, and split in different directions. I'm forever indebted to him for showing me the path, now I just have to walk it.
November - Two days at home and then off to Miami for the Global Bank Symposium. Meet a lot of fancy people with better business cards than me. Val is there, so it makes the time easier to absorb. We learn a lot about who we are and what's expected of us. I take it in stride. Its harder to fool me now. Raman made me recognize that, and now I take everything with a large dose of salt. I think its for the best. I try and keep an innocence about my face, but its hard to pretend when everything and everyone is auditioning for a starring role on One Life to Live. These guys are pros. I'm just a rookie. So I eventually step away from it, but have the chance to learn from it. Run into Cassis while I'm there. He's doing well, or so it seems. Exactly the same as before. There's talk of cim but I decline. Can't make the same mistakes twice. I get back to LA, and immediately fall into work. My head is buried in the sand when I pull it out long enough to connect with Marco, who just moved to LA. He too is a part of my new found inner circle. Like the rest, Marco has a magnetism that is intoxicatingly refreshing. Its exciting to watch him establish and develop his practice on a daily basis. He gives me the confidence to trust my confidence. We go out on weekends and live it up as we always said we would. Eventually I decide I need to take the wheels of the wagon and chill. I do, and then Hugo comes into our lives. The little engine that could, would, should. He's defiant and adorable. More people from my past pop up. Adam, Scott, Derek. And it makes no sense why now. But I roll with it, because I prefer to live in the now and make my decisions in the moment than in advance. Helps with the whole sanity process. The biggest promotion I could possibly get falls into my lap just when I start going bananas, and I feel dandy. I rededicate myself to the music, and start writing again. In large chunks, there are small morsels of brilliance. All told, it feels right so we go with the new direction. Preconceptions are out the door, and I'm fine with being a part of the background. I stop caring about being accepted in every avenue and start living like I've always wanted. A few of the ones I love wonder aloud what's wrong with Devin, but it's not something I lose sleep over. I like the silence, the calm that resonates. Before I can progress though, I wake up on a day off and decide I should check my blog, see when the last time I actually wrote anything was. It shocks me to the core that I'm such a lazy bastard, so I decide to write a list of all the....
Music: Nada
Mood: Hugo!!
Mood: Hugo!!
